The Men We Raise in Our 20s
From a stand-in mother
Twenties are a decade of contradictions. You are expected to build a life, or at least lay the foundation for a life and figure out who you are. And somewhere in between, you are advised to meet people but not get emotionally attached. In the murkiness of parties, panic attacks, regrettable potentials and dating apps, you meet men that you do get attached to. A variety of them if you can stomach it. Some stay, some become friends, some disappear and then some frustratingly, you raise.
Yes, raise, like a sourdough starter or plants that will wither if you don’t constantly check their water and sunlight intake. Men with a driver’s license and an appetite for causing disasters. He comes with multiple personalities, or sometimes, a hobby is his entire personality..you figure.
The Hobby Philospher
He would have just discovered Partha Chatterjee, Nietzche or Schrödinger.
Or if you really had it going for you, this man would quote the Bhagavad Gita and the Puranas without having spent time understanding Karma. He would talk about “revolution”, “the power of religion” or “the absence of religion in a society.” You might mistake him for a deep thinker because he would quote mythology and Ramayan during a dinner party, but he’s not wrestling with meaning, he’s simply avoiding self-reflection.
The Emotionally Illiterate Sweetsomething
He appears kind. He texts back. He keeps offering you a hot water bag for your cramps even though he has seen what it does to your skin. He buys you chocolates and everything on the market that he likes. He really cares. However, ask him how he feels about anything that concerns you or the relationship and he short-circuits. The man can’t figure an answer. He was never taught to process emotions and he can only provide fillers. You will spend hours and even days trying to help him articulate the basic needs of a relationship, but it won’t help.
The I-Can-Fix-Him
He’s not a red flag. At least, at the first go, nope, not a red flag, he’s a Project. You tell yourself he just needs a bit of structure. When the only experience he has had of living with somebody was with his parents and the boys’ hostel, he just needs a little bit of help with structure. You make his bed for him, you find him skincare that suits him, you pack his lunch and book appointments and spoonfeed an all-you-can-eat kind of a lifestyle. Six months later, you’re exhausted and he’s thriving.
He thinks Feminism is a Vibe
He has no issues when you ask to split a bill at the restaurant. He doesn’t interrupt when you are paying the bill by yourself at dinner sometimes. But tell him you are low on cash for a month and you would like it if finances were discussed so the burden wouldn’t be on either of the two in a relationship and he would flip. The literal scene of shit hitting the fan. He would question your worth, your existence, a full rollercoaster ride on how you don’t deserve a thing but he swears he respects women. He weaponises progressive language while doing nothing of substance. A master of optics. A disaster in making.
The One with a Mother-shaped Hole
He wants affection, support, unconditional loyalty. He just doesn’t want to give it back. His mother did and does everything for him, and now that he is away from her, you’re just a stand-in. You soothe, support his ideas and you remind. He never asked you to though, but he never learned to exist any other way so you do. He just doesn’t know how to do the same for you.
You never signed up for co-parenting. But here you are, checking if he’s packed his tongue cleaner for a work trip.
The men we meet in our twenties..they aren’t typically malicious by nature. They’re simply…undeveloped. Products of a society that taught girls and women to nurture and boys and men to float. So they enter relationships half-formed, expecting you to fill in for the rest. Emotionally. Organisationally. Financially.
And the thing is, it feels flattering at first. You like being needed..he makes you feel indispensable until you aren’t. You think, if you love him right, he will grow. He will learn to reciprocate but soon love becomes labour. And well, twenties are already labour-intensive.
So for women who are tired: it is not your job to teach a man emotional literacy, accountability, or basic functionality. When he tells you he isn’t made to wash his own dishes or do his own laundry that one time you are unable to, remember, you aren’t meant to do it either! Stop filling in for his mother. At least his mother gets his respect. What do you get?
You get taken for granted. You get called “too much” for asking the bare minimum. And when you finally leave, or worse, when he decides to rewrite the story, you get told he kicked you out of his life.
You never did get any respect. And the saddest part? He’ll learn to be better, just not for you. Because you weren’t a partner to him. You were a bridge.
And bridges get walked on.
The men worth keeping are not the ones you have to raise. They will meet you as equals. Not perfect, but willing to put in the effort to make it work. And if the man you have is not doing that? Leave him for the next person to raise. There are bazillion of us out there looking for projects and perhaps, one of them might just succeed.
But your tenure is overdue the end. You were never hired to raise him. You just forgot to resign.
And now, it’s time.
Relatable Music:
Faqat mere dil se, utar jaiye ga
Bicharna mubarak, bichar jaiyega
Rahat Fateh Ali Khan’s sung such an emotionally glorious song, I can’t even!!
Mainu tu jutti thalle rakhdae
Jaani lokan agge ban na vichara
To the fake, trophy love…..
The urdu/punjabi songs are so well articulated about the emotions you undergo during an emotionally, labour-intensive relationship but the english ones are like, go, get out, shoooo with you. lol. but I love them all!
Very fun read Jaya and good music, glad to see you're writing again 🫂